Have you ever met a blamer? It’s always other’s peoples fault. The blamer talk is loud and aggressive and it might sound like: She destroyed our marriage! Our school is underfunded is why I scored low on the test. You betrayed me. I can’t trust you! 

It’s so annoying and it makes it easy to judge the blamer as a person who doesn’t want to take responsibility for their actions, a victim. It’s easy to tell them to take a hard look at themselves. Yet.. what if we could instead get curious about the blaming? Let’s try.

If we treat blaming as discharging of discomfort and pain, then who we are dealing with is a person who has discomfort and pain. Let’s look deeper at that person. 

What are they blaming others for? What triggers them? What is their pain? 

When one does not know how to deal with what happen in a thoughtful and constructive way, they might resort to blame to protect themselves from pain. 

Instead of letting something destroy them, they employ a bodyguard, blame. 

So instead of focusing on the content of who they blame and for what, let’s focus on the pain underneath. 

It’s really what they are looking for, is for the pain to go away. So when you hear: “She destroyed our marriage” instead of trying to tell the person that the marriage was already in pieces, acknowledge their pain. Ask them what has been the hardest part of being alone? Where do they feel raw still? What could help them move forward. What you could do for them. 

Remember, when you hear BLAMERS blame, it’s a tell tell sign that the person on the inside is suffering and blamer is just a guard that they are sending out to protect their vulnerable beautiful human inside. Compassion and love is what they need, not criticism. 

I know it is a challenging thing to do. Let me know how it went!