My life BC vs. AC
In my dark moments I imagine people thinking:
How is SHE a life coach? Don’t you have to have it together in order to do that? She’s such a mess!!!
Some of you know me from before, what I call BC period of my life, before coaching. Truly you scare me the most. You have seen my not-so-great moments, my drama, and heard me complain, worry, and be hopeless.
There is a part of me that wishes that you haven't seen that.
Yes, my life was waaaay messy. At 20 years I “escaped” Poland and arrived in Yosemite Valley with $200 to my name. I spent one summer living on the living room floor of a dude that I met at a gas station. When I got promoted to a server I bought a bottle of tequila and missed my first day of work. I was so poor I ate lettuce and bread. I clawed and crawled my way out of extreme poverty and at times it wasn’t pretty, I took from my friends and felt that I couldn’t reciprocate the gifts I was given . . I didn’t choose my friends wisely… and definitely had some questionable relationships… I played a part in destroying a relationship between my two friends….. a list of things I’m not proud of goes on.
There were many other aspects of my life that weren’t exemplary… I took things super personally, I was fragile and easily offended. I didn’t know how to speak of my needs and would just get resentful and leave instead. I left relationships and friendships out of fear and inability to speak my needs. I felt terribly alone and value-deprived.
The thing I regret the most though is that I didn’t own and feel my worth and because of this I gave up on myself a lot. I’d set my goals super low so that I wouldn’t have to be disappointed if I didn’t get them. I didn’t try hard and I gave up at the first sign of difficulty.
And so on. I really was that person. My wound was my primary driver. I identified with it so much, I thought I WAS MY WOUND.
Until one day I literally snapped out of it. I woke up to the realization that I am creating all of this and that means that I can also change it all. There is a quote that says that there hasn’t been a major reinvention that didn’t start with someone getting tired of their own shit. That was exactly how mine happened. I was so over being a mess that I decided to get cleaned up.
So dear friends that know me from BC… listen up….
I am still me… except better.
On a good day, all of the below are true:
I am responsible for my emotions. I choose to find learning opportunities for myself in all of the things that seem difficult. I can have difficult conversations without being reactive. I choose to view people with respect and curiosity instead of judgment. I set big audacious goals and I work on feeling worthy of them.
I’m not 100% like this obviously… I still HAVE A WOUND. I fail at all of these regularly, and yet… I know my direction, and what I’m shooting for. And when I fail, after the initial temper tantrum or pity party depending on the type of trigger and/or my cycle, I come back to being willing to work it out.
How?
The most difficult and most life-changing tool: to love the part of me that’s feeling unworthy, hold her, listen to all her problems and be a good parent to her.
Try it for yourself. Imagine a situation in which you lack self-acceptance. Then ignore the habitual neuro-pathway that directs you to manhandle yourself, try harder, or the opposite, check out and numb out. Instead, choose to love yourself in this moment as if you were loving your toddler or puppy.
I wouldn’t trade my messy past for anything. Because:
If I hadn’t been a mess I couldn’t help others through their messiness. If I hadn’t been consumed by my own lack of worth I’d lack compassion for those who are. Because of my BC life, I cannot really judge those who live in their BC’s. I know they just need some help and I’m committed to helping change the world one person at a time.
THE WOUND IS WHERE MY LIGHT ENTERED IN.
I am daily reminded of my role when looking at the yin-yang symbol. The darkness contains the light (my woundedness was the prerequisite to becoming a healer) and the light contains the dark (in the absence of suffering or perfection we lose hold of the human condition and can lack compassion).
Our wound is our gift to the world. It is in realizing this that we can stop fighting the wound and see what gifts it brings to us and others. This is the most powerful transition we can undergo. From BEING A WOUND to USING YOUR WOUND TO HEAL THE WORLD.
Here are some journaling prompts for you to explore:
1. What is a scenario that is 100% sure to activate your wound?
2. What are all the feelings when you are triggered? Don't settle for anger, go a few feelings down.
3. What is the unmet need behind the pain?
4. When did it first start? How long have you lived with it?
5. What is the upside of having this wound? What have you been able to experience because of it? Think deeply, there is always one.
6. How can the world benefit from you sharing your wound experience?
Good luck with your exploration!
With love,
Marta