How to tame a pleaser (in you)

Pleaser has a strong need to be liked and earns love by helping, pleasing, rescuing, or flattering others. Those of us who are exceptionally empathic, loving and giving often fall into this pleaser trap. 

Pleaser wants to please others in order to gain their love. Love, for someone with a pleaser is conditional on how much we give and receive from each other. Notice that when you do things for others in order to gain their love, you have a hidden agenda, which makes it ultimately about you, not them. Also when you constantly do things to please others, you stop taking responsibility for what you want and you might end up robbing yourself of enjoying the things that you do… and often the sacrifice is not even wanted…. 

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There is a high chance that you have a pleaser if you find yourself often in these situations:

  • Saying NO is difficult for you

  • You need frequent re-assurance 

  • Have a hard time stating your needs

  • You say yes to something and afterwards wish you had said no. 

  • You put other people’s need over yours. 

  • You can’t tell your own feelings from other’s peoples feelings

  • Overextend yourself for others

  • Do stuff for others and later resent them for it. 

  • You don’t have strong boundaries. 

  • Your self love is conditional on how much you give to others. 

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If you fit the bill, don’t worry. I have some tools that you can use to tame the pleaser in you. 

  • Connect to the pure joy of giving without expecting anything back. 

  • Practice asking for what you need directly and receiving it. 

  • List your own core needs and put them on your schedule. 

  • Give yourself some space if you are having a hard time connecting to your feelings. Literally go in the other room and allow yourself to be unaffected by the other persons’s emotions. 

  • For a week say NO to everything. Note how others respond when you do say no in a kind way. Allow yourself to see that saying no to something is also saying yes to something else.

Remember that you are selling yourself short by making trading love. Instead embrace unconditional love toward self and others. See my other video on loving yourself. 

I’d love to hear from you if you are a pleaser if this was helpful. I am running 6 week group programs that help you master your saboteurs and gain a positive outlook on life.

Click here to check it out.

Marta CzajkowskaComment